Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
