you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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