Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
