so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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