Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
