So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
