i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We need to rekindle our bromance
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
