I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
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