Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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