walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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