i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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