I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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