is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
