Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
