fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
