I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
