shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
