I hate your face
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
