God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
