If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize