I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
