Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
