he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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