Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
