I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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