he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
