Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
