Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
