alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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