dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
