Your face is a jimmy john
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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