I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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