1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
