paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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