That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
