If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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