The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
