This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
