Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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