non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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