the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
