Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
