I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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