yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
