either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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