pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
