There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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