Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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