Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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