So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
