DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
