Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
