I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
