She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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