Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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