The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
