she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
