Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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