my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
